Lame

December 22 – Travel How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?
This question can be answered with four simple words. I didn't travel anywhere.

December 20 – Beyond Avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing?
Sang out with all my heart during the My Fair Lady auditions. I had no idea how to sing the song, I was picked on to go first, and I was terrified. I should have just sang out anyway, making up the tune, but I was too scared and worried about what people would think of me. I came to discover that theater people are amazing individuals that are just as quick to laugh at themselves than at you.




December 21 – Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead?
Don't lose your temper, keep joy in your heart always, and know that there are plenty of people that love you, even if they don't show it. Stay strong, but not so strong that no one can reach you behind your barriers. Allow yourself to be taken care of for once, goodness knows you do enough care taking of others, it's not a weakness to be vulnerable. Trust. Love. Resist the temptation to recede into your shell. Teach Felicity it's ok to be scared, but act out despite of that.

It's almost Christmas!

I thought I would start off by exploding some of my pent up excitement for the coming Holiday. Christmas is my favorite time of year, and while I'm pretty sure it won't snow, it doesn't matter. I love the music, the decorations, the light that seems to follow people around. It's such a glorious time of year, and while I know that some disaster will befall us {because it always does, somebody always manages to throw drama into what should be happy times} I can't stop myself from being excited. It will be hectic, with the drama of trying to share the one holiday with two families already happening... I hate that, but I figure, if they want to be so stubborn that it makes it impossible for us to manage seeing both families, then we will just have to leave them out of our holiday plans. As joyous as I am this season, I still have a limited amount of patience for guilt trips. Now, stopping myself before I get too upset, here is my Reverb for today.






December 19 – Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?
I'm not sure how to address this question either. I don't know if I have ever healed fully from my past wounds, and I don't know if I ever will. Time has taken away the fresh pain, but scars still remain, and every once in a while, they will bleed and hurt. The greatest thing I have found to dull the pain, is Chris, Felicity, and Jacquelynn. Without them, I don't think I'd be able to get myself out of bed in the morning. They know me like no other, and even though Lissy can't talk back quite yet, she still listens and is able to take my mind off of whatever is troubling me. Usually by attempting to tickle me. 

Continuation

December 17 – Lesson Learned What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?
The best thing I learned about myself? I have learned many things about myself, but I don't know how to classify them, or if any of them are suitable to be labeled as the best. I guess I'd have to say that the best thing I learned about myself this year, is that I am capable of working through stress and the naysayers, and all the other crap that life throws at you. My favorite motto of 2010 is this: "When life hands you lemons, throw them back and ask for chocolate." I don't know where I read it, or who said it, but it's absolutely fantastic.




December 18 – Try What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?
Next year, starting January 1st, I'm forcing myself into another November. This is my attempt to finish my book, or at least get very close to completing the first, and very rough, draft. I was so impressed with myself when November was done, but still disappointed that I had not even gone halfway through my book with those 50k words. I thought the thrill of my book would wear off the farther November got, but it hasn't. I'm still in love with my book and find myself wanting to go write more in that world and with my beloved characters. So for 2011, I am going to finish my book, edit it, and {hopefully} get my agent to approve it. :D

Dead Computer

Apologies for lateness, computer crashed again >.<"


December 13 – Action When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?
Finish the book, edit it, and send it in to my agent to see if she thinks it's publishable! ^^




December 14 – Appreciate What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?
I appreciate my daughter. She is my light, and love at its purest. I hope that she never forgets how much Chris and I love her, and I know we try and show it to her everyday. She'll be two in about a month, and I can't imagine my life without her in it. I love the laughter, the giggles, the glares, the hugs and kisses... sometimes I even love the tears. She is such a huge blessing to me, and it made me realize just how precious life is, and losing Nanny this year made me understand that it doesn't last forever, and even the strongest willed people must succumb to death eventually.




December 15 – 5 Minutes Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.
The thing I want to remember most about 2010 is my memory of Nanny leaning over the sink in her spot, yelling at the seagulls to leave her crows alone. I love her, and miss her terribly, and I will always think of her whenever I see crows.




December 16 – Friendship How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?
There is no denying that I have been given the best friend anyone could ever ask for. She's smart, kind, and hilariously funny. No matter what, I know she will be there for me if I need a figurative shoulder to cry on, and I know she will be there with a tissue and a big stick to whack whoever hurt me. Or, if need be, to whack me. We've been friends for seven years now, and that's incredible. As much as it annoys Chris (even though it is funny) she is my longest relationship, hehe. She changes me for the better, and I know it's a good thing. Although, if I randomly start spouting aussie slang complete with accent... then there might be cause for worry. ^_^ Love you Jacque!!!! <3<3<3

December 12 – Body Integration This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?


I'm not entirely sure what to think of this one. I am always ME, and most of the time cohesive. There are very few times when my mind and body are separate things. Never physically separated, of course. This seems like a very silly question, Heh. Kind of like suggesting that coconuts migrate...

Day 11

December 11 – 11 Things What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?


Eleven things I don't need in 2011. Well, the simplest thing would be to make a list, so here goes.

1. I don't need criticism. I don't know how to get rid of them, considering the people who give it to me the most are related to me. Can't really get rid of family, but I guess I can stop taking what they say as personally as I have been. This will change my life because I may actually start to accumulate self confidence and do things that I've been told I would never do.
2. I don't need stress. I can get rid of this by stepping out of situations that others have put me in, like being a peace keeper and a go-between. It's not my job, and even though that's a hard thing for me to admit, it's not healthy for me or my own family. Having less stress in my life will change it because I will have more energy to do things that I want to, and I will have more patience when it comes to training Simon or when Lissy decides to push the boundaries.
3. I don't need more things to do. I have a long enough To-Do list as it is, and while I enjoy most of my activities, I really don't need to take more time away from Chris and Felicity. Having the courage to politely refuse things that would take a great deal of time. This will change things because I'll be able to reconnect with Chris again, and have more time to play with Felicity.
4. I don't need pity parties. While most of the time I'm not prone to having these myself, I will admit to throwing several this past year. Not something I like to admit, but hey, sometimes it helps when your overwhelmed.
5. I don't need drama. Kind of the same thing as stress.
6. I don't need more cleaning! I know it's inevitable, especially when you have children, but c'mon! It seems like I clean, and then I blink and it's dirty again!
7. I don't need more coffee. I enjoy the smell of it, and even though I need the energy, it just plain makes me jumpy!
8. I don't need another scary pregnancy. No, Chris and I are not pregnant. Yet. We are, however, planning on trying to conceive around May. I know it's something we can't completely control, but as scary as my pregnancy was with Felicity at the end, I don't want that to happen again.
9. I don't need more clothes. God knows how many I have, and most of them don't even fit. I keep putting off going through them, because I hate doing laundry, and I know that I will have sooo many loads of clothes to wash in order for the ones I don't want to be good enough to take to the thrift store... It'd be an all week chore, and I'm just not up for that. Heh.
10. I don't need more friends on facebook. There are people I don't even know adding me! With NO mutual friends! Facebook is quickly turning into a myspace, and that's just plain annoying.
11. I don't need more of these lists. I usually love lists, they're organized, and it's great for people from Perfect Country like I am. (If you don't know what I'm talking about when I say Perfect Country, google 'the flag page test')

Tah dah. Day Eleven complete. Now if only I could get some writing in, I'd be set, but alas, I am in a rut and out of energy. I don't think my wrists have completely recovered yet anyway!

Reverb10, Day 10

December 10 – Wisdom Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?


The wisest decision of the year... I honestly can't think of any wise things I've done. Other than deciding against running people over with my car, or socking them right in the face. I've made several choices, but I don't know how to classify them as wise or not. I've done several things in the theater, made at least one friend, written over 50k words in 27 days, waited three months to get my upgrade for a new phone, stuck out talking with complete air heads in order to get my car fixed, got a puppy this past spring, gotten two kittens from the shelter less than a month ago... stood up in front of a church full of strangers and sang, while signing, Silent Night.
I wouldn't call any of those things wise, but most of them were fun and made me stronger as a person. I really, really, really hate people with pebbles for brains, but it's a fact of life that I have to deal with them. Without smacking them. Same thing that goes for people who's favorite activity is spying, being judgmental, and backstabbing others. As unfortunate as it is, I'm not allowed to smack them either, although I think that their victims would appreciate it... that's gotta count for something, right?
I guess my wisest choice this year was to effectively ignore most everyone.

Reverb 10

So since I have gotten into the habit of stalking my wonderful friend Jenni and shadowing her every move (kinda creepy, ain't it?), I figured she wouldn't be offended by me stealing yet another thing she is doing. That thing, my dear readers, is Reverb 10. I heard of it before, but thought it rather stupid and time consuming. And while I believe I actually have LESS time now, I figure hell, I can write over 50k words in a month, I can do this little project as well.

Every day they give you a prompt and you respond to it based on this past years experiences. I'm going to do it daily from here on out, but since I'm already several days behind, I'm just going to get current with this post first...

.::~~::.
December 1 - One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
My one word... Stress. That may not be the best, or happiest word to choose, but it certainly fits with how 2010 flew by. I'm not going to go into detail, because that would make this little blurb far too long. As for my 2011 word... I would like it to be success. By this time next year, I want to have accomplished something meaningful. Not that I'm discounting everything else I've done this year, but I want that feeling of contentment, of a job well done. And I want to be able to enjoy that feeling, for more than a second before being thrust into my next job.


December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
Basically everything. Even taking away the bare nessecities, like breathing and eating and using the restroom... I still have my daughter, my fuzzy children, and all of my household chores. None of those contribute to my writing, and all of them are oh so distracting, even if they are adorable distractions. (Except the chore thing...) During NaNo, I eliminated just about everything I could, and still found myself wanting for time. As unhealthy as it was, I began cutting out my meals, opting for quick snacks instead, because I could type while I ate, and with Felicity deciding only to take hour naps at a time, I needed all of the writing time I could get. I've been told that I can find the time if I look, but honestly, with an only child, who's almost two, who climbs all over you the moment your butt hits that chair or couch, it's difficult to even get a hundred words in. More often than not, my attempts at writing with Felicity awake ended in me having LESS words then before... Funny how the key she likes the best is that damnable delete button...


December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail.
Because I've only had four hours of sleep in the last 48, please forgive me if my memory is fuzzy. The most alive I have felt all year is truly sad... This past June I lost my grandmother, and it was devastating to the whole family. At her funeral, I played a song on the flute, and had planned on doing three rounds of it, since it was such a short song, but I barely made it past the second round because I was shaking so badly. I'm not a crier, I generally don't cry at anything, but that day as I watched them lower my Nanny into the ground, I could feel everything. The wind whipping and pulling at my hair, the blades of grass tickling my ankles, the gentle kiss of the sun as it tried to force it's way past the graying clouds. That night, I continued to have dreams of her, and woke up several times with hot tears streaming down my cheeks and soaking my pillow. Since then, I feel completely at odd's at how I think I should feel. When you loose someone close to you, your supposed to feel sad and empty, even angry. But, while I feel sorrow for my loss... I can't be angry at her for leaving, and I don't feel empty. I'm at peace, and since her funeral, everything has been... vivid. Colors are bright, the sun feels warmer, the crows are beautiful.


December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?
A sense of wonder? I'm not sure how you can cultivate, or create, wonder in your life, but the first thing that comes to mind is watching the snow fall. Before Thanksgiving!! I was so blown away and in awe... When We came back from my Aunt's house, I got out of the car and turned around to look at our home, and it was beautiful. The roof was covered in snow, the snow had enveloped our house, and it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen, until my daughter ran out towards it. That was the most beautiful thing. But that was quickly broken when she slipped and fell face first into the snow, that sorta ruined it. I love winter. I love snow. I think that is my yearly dose of wonderment.


December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?
I do believe I covered that on Day Three, and I have no wish to cry again, so I will just sort of skip the literal interpretation and move to something else... On top of my grandmother, Chris lost his exactly one month after mine. Nanny passed away June 13, 2010. June, Chris's grandmother, passed away July 13, 2010. That's all I'm saying on that.


December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?
Now here is a question I can get excited about. Chris and I stayed up until 2am, just days into December, making our house a Christmas Wonderland. I had bought a stapler and a bunch of construction paper in red, green, and white. We made paper chains, snowflakes, book marks, wall hangings, even a banner. I was so proud at our work, it was amazing. The next day, we took Felicity to Browne's to help us pick out our tree, and while she ended up wanting one of the HUGE ones, we took a small one and brought it home. After decorating it with one of the smaller paper chains, lights, and our ornaments, we hung our stockings, rearranged the furniture, hung lights up outside, and made everything look (and even smell!) like Christmas. The day after that, a great friend of mine came over and we made enough cookies to feed the whole island! Yes. That was fantastic.


December 7 – Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?
The theater. 2010 was filled with theater projects for me, and I found that I love it. I typically don't do large groups of people, since I'm quite happy being a solitary creature, but working together to create these beautiful plays, and watching each different aspect of it just come together and to watch it work so fluidly... It really is an amazing experience, and I hope I have the opportunity to be more active in the theater. Never mind the long hours of rehearsals, it's all worth it :D


December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.
This one... I don't quite understand. There is nothing about me that somebody else can't do better. Sorry, I just don't buy into the whole "unique as snowflakes" thing. I'm cynical, solitary, loving, passionate, punctual... I'm a mother, a chef, a baker, a cleaner, a care-giver, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a wife. I can sew, sing, write, play several different musical instruments, fix things, build things, destroy things, garden, paint... While all of these make me who I am, they are also the same things that make thousands, even millions, of people different too. I don't consider myself beautiful, or most times, useful, but that's another blog, for another time.


December 9 – Party Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.
I don't do parties. Simple as that. Love getting ready to go, and the going, but I quickly realize I hate groups of people and small talking, and pretending everything is just peachy when it isn't, and watching people gossip and bad talk each other behind someones back. I hate the drama that ALWAYS follows in the wake of receiving an invitation, and there is always something. Small and trifle like somebody forgot the chips (which somehow can escalate to the point of having people shouting and in tears...) or huge and disconcerting like somebody being accused of cheating and lying. Yeah. Big groups of people, no matter how festive and nice the thought is, always creates more drama and pain than they are worth.

Out of boredom

I was feeling bored after my mega-movie-marathon that I decided I would computerize for a little bit instead. There's not a whole lot for me to do, but it's better than sitting around doing nothing. At least, I think it is anyway...

I'm waiting for Lissy to go to sleep...she's been laying in bed for almost forty minutes just talking to herself...I really wish she would go to sleep, she really needs it. I think she and I are getting sick, so I've been trying to make her drink tea (chilled of course) with me, and I even went to the store and bought some kiddie vitamin c. She thinks they are candy and keeps wanting to eat the whole darned bottle. Which is good that she likes them, and while I don't think she can exactly OD on vitamin C...I don't think it's so great for her either.

Anyway, on to my exciting weekend! While I'm sure most of you will think I'm insane or whatever, I am very pleased that we are decorating for Christmas! Browne's is selling 4' trees for only $19, which is amazing, considering Ace is selling them for like, $30...but we're getting a ton of lights to string up, and wreaths, and tinsel, and garland...Oh yes, we are going all out. And it's even more fantastic, because Chris will get a discount on everything. So after I finish with this, and I create a character for an awesome RP story, I am going to (hopefully) get little Miss Felicity to sleep, and clean clean clean. I feel like I'm pregnant again, with all of this cleaning-mode stuff I've been thrown into, heh. I just love that this is our first Christmas together in our home, I just can't wait to decorate it and sing carols (which I started back mid-November...) and everything else that goes along with dreaming of a white Christmas.

Happy Holidays and I hope that while things are tight, you never forget what Christmas is supposed to be about. Family, and the love that you have for each other. It's not about how many gifts you get, or are able to give, but about the hope and joy you give as you cuddle around your fires, or in our case, heaters, reading a book to your kids, or re-reading the books you were read when you were little... Even if you aren't a fan of the holidays, or don't celebrate them for your own reasons, just know, that wherever you are, someone is thinking of you and wishing you joy, peace, and love.