Making Writing Fun

This morning I woke up with a killer headache, an upset stomach, dizzy spells and the intense urge to just go back to sleep and let my poor Felicity fend for herself, despite her being oh-so-cute and kissing my cheek saying "Hi mommy". Now, I am not sick. I don't have a cold, or the flu. My yucky morning is self-inflicted. As crazy as that sounds, it really is. I had my first ever "buzz" last night, after a glass of Huiness, two Vitamin C's, and a Heineken. I wasn't even drunk, just that little bit of brain fuzziness that makes your head tingle. It was very, very weird. And not something that I am likely to repeat in the near future.

Anyway, so because of this nasty start to my day, I was absolutely loathing the idea of getting up, and forcing my brain to work long enough to even walk the 5 feet from my bed to the computer, let alone making a post here. I started thinking that I have less than 24 hours now to begin my Script Frenzy challenge, and how unprepared I feel for it. I have that same excited, anxious anticipation that I did the night before I started NaNoWriMo. I'm excited to start writing, because I believe in my story and my writing abilities. But I'm so afraid that I won't finish the challenge, or that my writing will suck and I'll get stuck. I started panicking. I got out my notepad and started plotting out my story in every little detail, from what I want the set to look like, how the lights should be, sound effects, even what I want the costumes to look like. I started writing down everything but the dialog itself {which I can't start yet. I'm not cheating!}. Having so much theater time under my belt already, I have a pretty good idea of what our team is capable of and what is actually doable. I'm the "Sound Girl" at the theater, and have over 100 hours of volunteer time doing JUST sound. That doesn't include all of the time I've spent as an actress, a set builder/painter, or even operating the light board and helping with getting the lights set up. I even designed a GOBO for a show once. So, in my mind, I have a pretty good idea of what the incredible people at our theater would be able to do, if our director really does allow me to direct it here.

That in itself adds a whole 'nother weight to my shoulders. I was told that "if my play is any good", several people will back me up and vote to have it actually preformed. While that is a huge honor and I would love to see my words and characters come to life, I'm terrified of it. Not of directing it, or anything like that, but my Inner Editor flung a new set of self-doubts at me. What if I really do suck? What if they hate it? What if, what if, what if?

And then, while surfing google images, I came across this picture. Make Writing Fun. I stopped and read it over and over again, like my brain couldn't comprehend what it was reading. Writing really is supposed to be FUN. It's not a chore that has to be done, even if it is a job to some authors. It's not supposed to be something that you procrastinate because you just don't want to do it. It's not cleaning the bathroom or doing the laundry. Writing, to me, should be something that makes you get out of bed in the morning and be excited that today you get to sit down and write! Whether it's about a new cast of characters, or some that you have long since become friends with. Instead of plopping down in the chair staring blankly at the computer screen, wishing you had something else to do {facebook and hulu are my tools of procrastination} you should hardly be able to keep your fingers from grazing those keys every time you walk past your computer.

Now, I know that for a lot of people, that isn't the case. I know for the last several months it certainly hasn't been the case with me. I've been making excuse after excuse not to edit my NaNovel, trying to just ignore it, hoping that one day I'll open up Word and see that it edited itself and that it's perfect. It, unfortunately, doesn't work that way, no matter how much I may wish it to be so. There are a lot of days where I have sat down, that thick stack of paper in my lap, red pencil in hand, and cried. I hate reading my own work, because my inner editor just kicks my arse. I get so depressed, and what makes it worse, is that I have words that have come out of a "friends" mouth that just devastated me. This "friend", while I was working on finishing my very first book, told me that I "shouldn't bother with it, because you will never finish it, and you will never get an agent. Nobody will publish you. Lots of people have been writing longer than you have and are better than you, and they don't get published." Nice friend, huh? My Inner Editor constantly takes those words, uttered by somebody who was supposed to be supportive and, well, friendly, and slam them against me, making me see my work as utter crap.

So tomorrow, I will be sitting down to my first day of script writing. I have the whole month planned out, with page milestones every week, and my goal is to finish it like I did NaNo, two whole days early. Now, Jenni, I don't know if you are doing it too, but I just have one rule for you. You are NOT allowed to finish two whole WEEKS early! Hehe, you know I love you.

Now, before I shiver myself onto the floor, I will sign off, finish my new queue list on Hulu, then I shall finish mapping out that darned 2nd Act. Until tomorrow!

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words. Well, this one I think is worth about four. Four words, that is. That is the point where I get stuck when I just try and "free write". Doesn't matter what I'm writing about, if I don't plan everything out, I get stuck right after that first sentence.

What does that mean, anyway? "Once upon a time." I get the initial meaning, setting the story up to be told, but I never understood why that is the traditional beginning into fairy tales. I'm not sure why I find it so difficult to like it, but for some reason or another, I just don't.
I always liked reading fairy tales, especially those from other countries and religions. One of my favorites is probably one from India, called the Hare in the Moon, I believe. Essentially, it's about a rabbit who gives himself up to a goddess in the guise of a human, for her to eat, and because of his selflessness and willingness to give his life to help another, the goddess paints the rabbits image on the moon so everyone will know and remember to be like the hare. {Go look at the moon one right, and tip your head to the side. See the rabbit? It's pretty cool!}

Once upon a time... hey, I just got struck by something. What kind of word is "upon"? It's UP and ON thrust together, and while the new meaning makes sense for this context... if you seperate them, it doesn't make any sense. Once up on a time. Now, that just sounds dirty. I can't wait until I die and can meet the weirdos who concocted the English language, with all of the rules and exceptions to it. Remember this one: "I before E, except after C, when sounding like A as in neighbor and weigh." What kind of demented evil genius thought up these things? I swear it was someone who hated children. I remember trying for hours to remember how to spell those things properly. Such nonsense!

There was one point where I just gave up. And really, you have a 50/50 chance of getting it right, and the more times you get it wrong, the more the right way is engraved into your memory. At least, that's my theory. Come to think of it, there are a lot of those stupid rules that have so many exceptions to them... you'd think they'd just leave out that rule. 'Cause how can it be a "rule" if there are so many ways to break it without getting in trouble to doing so?

Man, I feel a long rant coming on here, so I believe that it is time to sign off for the day. Plus, I've got an hour until a couple of friends show up to Tea! Oh, and as a side note, I have been married for three years today! Yay! :D

Out of the Box

I'm starting this post early this morning because if I don't, I know that I won't be getting to it today, and that kind of negates the purpose of having a daily blog. My topic for the day is thinking outside of the box. This is not something that I generally struggle with, because I have a great group of friends that constantly challenge me to think beyond the tried-and-true. But as I've been working on my upcoming script frenzy challenge, it's become increasingly difficult for me to twist the classic fairytale with my own original mark. I love my first act, don't get me wrong. It blends pieces of my favorite story with something much more realistic and, what can I say, I think it's going to be hilarious.

I especially love how I end the first act. It's such a "oh hell no" moment that just makes you angry that that is where I stopped it. And I love that. I love being so into a story, that when the ending comes, it makes you groan because you want more. And for the people I've let in on my planning process, they give me the same reaction. But here's my problem. I have no Act II. Nothing. I know how the whole play will end, and I have a few ideas on how to reel the audience back into it after a fifteen minute intermission, but I don't know how the conflict will end, or even how my heroine discovers herself. I really believe in this story, and I'm working so very hard on it because I am so active in our community theater, and the director said that he would read it and consider allowing me to direct it. Can you believe it? So I have this extra standard place on both my story, and myself, and I know that that plays a part in my inability to crank this thing out.

I am a perfectionist, and sorta OCD when it comes to my writing. I can't just allow myself to make mistakes, which messes up my flow. During NaNoWriMo, I was daily challenged to ignore those red and green squiggly lines in order to get my word count up. For Script Frenzy, it's a matter of page numbers. 100 pages of a script in 30 days. That doesn't sound like a whole lot, especially when you factor in that you have to write it in a script fashion instead of a story.

You know, like this:

JANE enters fifties diner. TOM is behind bar serving customers.

Jane:

Hi there, Tom!

Tom:

Hi Jane! How are you?

Jane:

I'm doing quite well, and yourself?

And so on and so forth. That takes up a lot more space than having to write:

Jane enters the fifties-style diner, pushing open the glass door trimmed with gleaming stainless steel. As the door swings shut behind her, she catches the eye of her best friend Tom. Standing behind the diners bar, he waves, a smile lighting up his face. Serving one of the customers their ordered food, Tom moves over to where Jane has taken a stool.

"Hi there, Tom!" Jane says, her voice light and bubbly.

"Hi Jane! How are you?" Tom replies, grabbing a menu for her.

"I'm doing quite well, and yourself?" Jane asks, sliding the menu towards her, absently deciding what she'll order.

See the difference? I hate writing in script fashion, but I have to admit that it does eat up space with it's simplicity. So now, with only three days left until my frenzied writing begins, I will be here, in my box, searching for my lost nuggets of literary gold.

This adorable kitten has been this weeks mascot for me. Chris and I were signed up for this financial planning course with Dave Ramsey. Most of you probably know who that is, and while he is hilarious, and a genius, I cannot help but become this kitten. Especially after last week.

Now, This class is already doing wonders for Chris and I. Dave Ramsey is amazing, and speaks plainly and simply, instead of piling on all these rules and big fancy legal words, making us all go wide-eyed and drooly like deers in headlights. He's made us confront some really big stuff that neither Chris or I wanted to do. The first budget sheet we did was so easy and simple, we pumped that thing out in twenty minutes and felt great. This last weeks homework was this 4 page budget sheet that had EVERYTHING on it. I mean, EVERYTHING. Dealing with that budget sheet was especially gruelling for me, because it showed me exactly what I wasn't doing. There were spaces for saving for Felicity's college, denistry, a car, and lots of other things that I just hadn't thought about. So it was very difficult for me to see that Chris and I have almost NO money left after we buy our groceries and pay all the bills, and to see just what I wasn't doing for our pride and joy. The fact that it was so black and white, showing me just how bad of a parent I am {especially when I realized that I hadn't even THOUGHT of those things!} really got to me.

Now, Dave Ramsey has two types of people. The nerds, and the free spirits. The nerds {That's me} are good with numbers, enjoy doing budget sheets and other detailed things. We can work for hours just focusing on the little details of a project. The free-spirits, {Chris} just want to live life and be free to do so. They don't mind if the details aren't perfect, and don't want to buckle down and stare at spreadsheet after spreadsheet. While these two people are total opposites, they need each other. The Nerd helps the Free-Spirit to be more careful, while the Free-Spirit makes the Nerd get a life! Now, Chris and I have been to Mark Gungor's seminar, the Flag Page Test and we've discovered our "countries" and each others Flags {which are the top five things, to us, that make us feel loved and needed}, so we already knew we were very different people, so to have that reaffirmed really helped us to talk things out instead of just fighting over where the left over 5 dollars should go.

We are a very blessed family, to not have any debt {at all!!}, no credit cards, no car payments... The only debt we have, is our beautiful 2 bedroom house. I am so excited to see what more Dave has to say in the upcoming lessons, and while I'm sure I will act just like that kitten up there, I'm sure I'll be laughing through my tears again!

April Showers Bring May Flowers

It is officially spring, and while I am so ready for the sunshine, warmth, and the blossoming of my garden, I realized, that I have four days until I begin the Script Frenzy challenge. O_O I have the first act panned out, but absolutely nothing after my intermission. I know how it's going to end, but I have no idea how I'm going to get there, and I am a little nervous. I'm sure some of you are just shaking your heads at me and screaming at your monitor saying, "You don't need to plan it all, just let it flow!" Yeah. Well, I am a planner, and not having things planned freaks me out. So even if I go completely off my plan during the course of April, as long as I begin with my plan, I'll be just fine. {So there! :) }

Anyway, I admit to being very lax in my posting the last few months, and while it's not been lack of creative juices or even lack of time, but really, lack of want. I've been very... well, depressed really isn't the word for it, but there have been very few things that I have actually felt like doing. I just blame the lack of sunshine and that wonderful Vitamin D3, but now that the sun has finally returned from this bloody cold winter, and my tulips are almost blooming, the roses I ordered from Browne's are in and almost ready to be planted, my drive to do things has returned again. I'm sure it will drive Chris completely nuts, but hey, I need those challenges and projects to finish.

Now, may I present to you, my wonderful friends and readers, a question. A single question that I have been laboring over for the last several months, with no end in sight. I have even had dreams about this stupid thing, and for the life of me, I cannot figure out the answer. My question is: "What the hell am I thinking?"
I know that seems like a very lame question, but it's one that I constantly find myself asking. Whether it's in the middle of a project  when things look bleak, or just before I jump off the cliff into the shark infested waters of story writing. The basis for this particular round of self-doubt is due to the countdown of TTC#2. For those of you that aren't familiar with that, it means Trying To Conceive Baby #2. Chris and I have decided that now is the right time for us to have a second child, and while I am totally excited and hopeful, I can't shake my doubt. Most of you, at some point or another, have heard of my tale with Felicity. The condensed version is this, I have had a total of 4 miscarriages, including the loss of Felicity's twin. We almost lost her again when I went into labor at 25, 27, 29, and finally, 36 weeks. Because of that, she is developmentally behind in most things, but otherwise healthy. I want so badly to have more children, but facing the possibility of losing more, due to either miscarrying or pre-term labors, terrifies me to the point of tears and paralysis. During one talk with Chris about my fears, I actually had a panic attack. Being the devoted and absolutely wonderful hubby that he is, he told me he was fine with not having more children, even though I know he wants them. I think the thing that bothers me the most is the fact that I don't have control over it. I can't make myself NOT miscarry.

I know this is a rather heavy post topic for my first one in a while, but it's something that I needed to put into words for my own sake. I am truly blessed to have my darling daughter and everything else that I have, and I know it. If we're meant to have more children of our own, then that is more than I could ask for. If not, Chris and I are prepared to seek out the possibilities of adoption {within the US though, lots of kids here need homes too!}.

Oh the melodious sounds of the 2 year old tantrum... I do believe it is nap time! For now, farewell, and I promise, tomorrow I will write something funny and less heavy than today's post. Maybe even add a few pictures of my gorgeous pink tulips!