April Showers Bring May Flowers

It is officially spring, and while I am so ready for the sunshine, warmth, and the blossoming of my garden, I realized, that I have four days until I begin the Script Frenzy challenge. O_O I have the first act panned out, but absolutely nothing after my intermission. I know how it's going to end, but I have no idea how I'm going to get there, and I am a little nervous. I'm sure some of you are just shaking your heads at me and screaming at your monitor saying, "You don't need to plan it all, just let it flow!" Yeah. Well, I am a planner, and not having things planned freaks me out. So even if I go completely off my plan during the course of April, as long as I begin with my plan, I'll be just fine. {So there! :) }

Anyway, I admit to being very lax in my posting the last few months, and while it's not been lack of creative juices or even lack of time, but really, lack of want. I've been very... well, depressed really isn't the word for it, but there have been very few things that I have actually felt like doing. I just blame the lack of sunshine and that wonderful Vitamin D3, but now that the sun has finally returned from this bloody cold winter, and my tulips are almost blooming, the roses I ordered from Browne's are in and almost ready to be planted, my drive to do things has returned again. I'm sure it will drive Chris completely nuts, but hey, I need those challenges and projects to finish.

Now, may I present to you, my wonderful friends and readers, a question. A single question that I have been laboring over for the last several months, with no end in sight. I have even had dreams about this stupid thing, and for the life of me, I cannot figure out the answer. My question is: "What the hell am I thinking?"
I know that seems like a very lame question, but it's one that I constantly find myself asking. Whether it's in the middle of a project  when things look bleak, or just before I jump off the cliff into the shark infested waters of story writing. The basis for this particular round of self-doubt is due to the countdown of TTC#2. For those of you that aren't familiar with that, it means Trying To Conceive Baby #2. Chris and I have decided that now is the right time for us to have a second child, and while I am totally excited and hopeful, I can't shake my doubt. Most of you, at some point or another, have heard of my tale with Felicity. The condensed version is this, I have had a total of 4 miscarriages, including the loss of Felicity's twin. We almost lost her again when I went into labor at 25, 27, 29, and finally, 36 weeks. Because of that, she is developmentally behind in most things, but otherwise healthy. I want so badly to have more children, but facing the possibility of losing more, due to either miscarrying or pre-term labors, terrifies me to the point of tears and paralysis. During one talk with Chris about my fears, I actually had a panic attack. Being the devoted and absolutely wonderful hubby that he is, he told me he was fine with not having more children, even though I know he wants them. I think the thing that bothers me the most is the fact that I don't have control over it. I can't make myself NOT miscarry.

I know this is a rather heavy post topic for my first one in a while, but it's something that I needed to put into words for my own sake. I am truly blessed to have my darling daughter and everything else that I have, and I know it. If we're meant to have more children of our own, then that is more than I could ask for. If not, Chris and I are prepared to seek out the possibilities of adoption {within the US though, lots of kids here need homes too!}.

Oh the melodious sounds of the 2 year old tantrum... I do believe it is nap time! For now, farewell, and I promise, tomorrow I will write something funny and less heavy than today's post. Maybe even add a few pictures of my gorgeous pink tulips!